I am the wolf.

{I was so scared of Jesus, but he sought me out. Like the cancer in my lungs that’s killing me now. And I’ve given up hope on the days I have left, but I cling to the hope of my life in the next. Then Jesus showed up, said “Before we go up, I thought that we might reminisce. See, one night in your life when you turned out the lights you asked for, and prayed for my forgiveness.”
“You cried, wolf. The tears they soaked your fur. The blood dropped from your fangs. You said ‘What have I done?’. You loved that lamb with every sinful bone. And there you wept alone. Your heart was so contrite. You said ‘Jesus please forgive me of my crimes. Sanctify this withered heart of mine. Stay with me until my life is through. And on that day please take me home with you.'”} Matt Theissen.

So seldom do words shake me to the core, as these have. I do confess that I am not dying of lung cancer, like the man in this song. But I have felt the struggle that is so evident in this lyric.  I have been the wolf, devouring the heart and life of Christ with every misplaced word, and thoughtless action. Not to mention the endless amounts of pain and heartache I’ve caused to those dear to me. 

I know that I’ve given a lot of pain to people, but I’d be lying if I said that was what grieved me the most. It is knowing that in my vast imperfection, my severe depravity, I have scorned the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The all knowing, all powerful, all loving God of the universe who, for the sake of his creation, wrapped himself in all our weakness. He, who knew no sin and yet became sin for us. 

I have been guilty of throwing away the grace that I have never deserved. I have used this grace as an excuse to do whatever I pleased. I have stood in contempt of the Cross of Christ. And yet, I have still been accepted by a father who longs for nothing more than to see me reconciled to him. 

I am the wolf. My fangs have ripped apart the lamb. I have tasted the blood that would wash me clean. In the rare moment of clarity when I realize what I’ve done, I see the monster I am. Then the realization hits me; that the only one I was created to love, has allowed me to trample his gift in the dirt. 

It is more than a crisis of self. Its a crisis of truth. The truth that supercedes who I am and what I’ve done. The truth that causes the sun to rise every morning, that lights the night sky with stars. This truth fills every breath with new hope and promise.  This truth is this: God so loved us that HE GAVE. He gives us every moment. He gave us every yesterday, every today and will give every tomorrow. He gives the promise of new life every autumn, letting the world rest for winter. He gives the fullfillment of that promise with each spring. 

But so much more than all that, He gave us His self.

It’s times like this, when I look back on what I’ve done, that I am so glad that God doesnt believe in giving people what they deserve. 

“Every breath is a second chance.” – Jon Foreman

It’s my hope, that as you read this that you can identify with the hope that Christ brings. I only have my words, to share stories of transformation. He, however, deals in the business of miracles. He transforms hearts, and changes lives. He also wants to begin a life together with you. 

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